BL Push presents The Uke Survival Guide and The Seme Handbook
Uke Survival Guide 1) Everyone in the entire world has gay inclinations. Have a high-school crush on somebody of the same gender? Go ahead, confess! If he doesn't feel the same way about you already, he'll soon be swayed by the depth of your feelings. 2) Semes stay hard. Doesn't matter how many times or how exhausted the uke is, it's time for the next round. 3) Doctors always do perverted things to their patients. I don't trust mine anymore. 4) All coworkers are gay for you. The one being friendly? Definitely. The one ignoring you? Uh-huh. The one who glares at you non-stop? Probably out to rape you. The workplace is a sexually charged environment! 5) High schools are dangerous too. Everyone's gay for you. Students, teachers, school doctors...only the old cleaning lady might be straight. 6) Don't trust guys in uniforms, whether they're high school, military, or police. Uniforms are a threat to your chastity. 7) Aprons are guaranteed instant-erection makers, even if you're not into guys. ESPECIALLY if you're not into guys. 8) Do not pick up any "strays". You think you're being a Good Samaritan, but they'll refuse to move out, and then you're stuck with an extra mouth to feed. And oh, you'll probably end up discovering you're gay. 9) Your first love LASTS FOREVER. Doesn't matter if it was ten years ago, you just can't forget this guy, and you probably never had any other relationships because of it. 10) If you're an uke, you are destined to blush. A lot. Doesn't matter how old you are, doesn't matter how COLD you are, if your seme says anything remotely romantic, if your seme looks at you, if your seme thinks about you, you're gonna start a full-body blush. 11) All American males, gay, straight, or otherwise, greet each other with a big, passionate smooch on the mouth - it's just friendly! 12) During a spontaneous bout of sex, ukes are always naked (socks optional), and semes are almost always fully clothed. 13) Women are just pretty office ornaments. Despite the hoards of sexy and cute office ladies around, as long as there are two men working in one department, they'll end up together (boss = seme and subordinate = uke). 14) It's impossible to "switch it up". Once an uke, forever an uke. Forget ever topping. Semes may love their ukes a LOT, but not enough to bottom. 15) Ukes are world champions on getting teary-eyed (this is, of course, to emphasize a quintessential uke trait: vulnerability). 16) The cure to everything is rape sex. Poor uke has the sniffles? Sex! The uke has a broken leg? Sex! The uke just got raped? SEX! If we could package it and sell it as a cure-all, we could be millionaires. 17) 90% of the male population from 10-40 is gay. The remaining 10% still hasn't come out. 18) Semes love semen. Every single one of them loves giving their uke a blowjob and guzzling it down. Ukes, on the other hand, can't be expected to dirty themselves like that. The Seme’s Handbook 1) If you can't make your uke come just by licking his ass, you suck in bed. 2) The number of dildos that any average seme owns (for his uke) would put any sex shop to shame. 3) The car you own is a BMW, Mercedes, Porche, or any other extra expensive make. Also, a seme's car will defy the laws of physics by being larger inside than on the outside to allow for comfortable uke-smexing. 4) Regardless of what kind of seme you are, you love to talk dirty during sex. 5) Semes don't eat cake. Ever. 6) Semes will hardly ever have sex completely naked. That's an uke thing. 7) Rape = love. The more you love you uke, the more right you have to rape him. 8) The cure for rape = more rape. If another seme kissed, touched, or looked at your uke, get rid of his mark by replacing it with your own. 9) You can forgive your uke for anything.It will either lead to sex (of the make-up variety) or more sex (as punishment). Either way, you win. 10) No matter how much your uke struggles, you can always tie your uke in a compromising position in five seconds flat. If this was a contest, you'd win first place, hands down (or tied). 11) It doesn't matter if your uke is as dumb as a doorknob and irritating as hell, you still love him because...you're a seme and that's what semes do. 12) If you are foreign, you consider Japanese men cute and cuddly and will go to extreme lengths to turn them into your uke. This is especially true of American CEOs, exchange students, Middle Eastern princes, French patissiers, Chinese mafia hunks (ex. Tien Lai from Ryuu Series), Italian captains, and English noblemen with funny names. 13) Smexing your uke with his glasses on is the ultimate goal. If the uke takes off his glasses before/while you smex him, you have failed. 14) You can't afford to smex your uke with your glasses on, because if that happens, you can't be sure if the uke loves you or the glasses. 15) Ukes ooze pheromones. Chances are you can't sense them; equip all possible aggressors among your underlings with gas masks just in case. 16) Semes hardly ever sweat during sex. Ukes, on the other hand, produce copious amounts of fluids of varying origins. 17) Never let your uke do any work! It's the uke's job to lie on the bed, it's YOUR job to make him feel good all night. (If your uke hasn't come at least five times, you're doing it wrong.) 18) Everybody is out to rape your uke. You've got to protect his chastity by guarding him day and night! 19) SAS - Semes Always Swallow. Spitting out semen is for wusses. 20) You don't have to think too hard for the perfect birthday present for your uke - just do him eight times in a row. On the other hand, the only acceptable present for you is your uke wearing an apron and nothing else. 21) Selective hearing is a necessary trait in a seme. When your uke says, "no," what you hear is, Please ignore my tears, resisting, and all that jazz because, really, I want you to continue." 22) It's perfectly normal to be able to pin a grown man to the wall using only one hand to grip his wrists. 23) After sex, you always wear the pajama pants. Your uke will wear the shirt, lest he wishes to tempt you again with his perky pink nipples. 24) Want to know the meaning behind your uke's words? Use our handy Uke-tionary. No I don't want this. = Fuck me. I need to sleep. = Fuck me. What's for dinner? = Fuck me. 25) A seme must have different colored hair to his uke. 26) Ropes materialize out of thin air.Don't worry about stashing ropes or ties around the house - if you've got your uke under you, you can just pull a rope from sub-space to tie him up Category:BL Push Magazine